I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
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I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
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His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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