Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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