How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
