Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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