Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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