I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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