you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
