I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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