My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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