FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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