Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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