Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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