Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
