I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
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Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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Send help, water and tortillas.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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