Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We need to get me chipped asap
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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