I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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