So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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