I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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