i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
