so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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