Pants 0. Shit 1.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
