mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
