I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
