The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
