I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
