Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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