please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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