are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
