Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
