Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
