He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
