she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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