Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
