When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
