Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
