Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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