sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
