Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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