The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
