last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
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There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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