I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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