I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
