One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
