This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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