onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
