Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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