theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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