Please, let me fuck your mom
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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