i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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