I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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