Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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