lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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