They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
