Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
