There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
