I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
