When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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