The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
