allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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