I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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