her vagine was all disorganized.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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